Target. Photo credit: Mike Mozart / Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

Under the guise of sticking up for kids, seven GOP attorneys general are trying to tell the retail giant how to conduct its business.

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Seven brave, and presumably Christian, Republican attorneys general are heroically trying to keep Beelzebub out of American retail stores.

In a letter to Target CEO Brian Cornell (which rhymes with “hell,” but that is surely a coincidence), the attorneys general from seven red states — Indiana, Arkansas, Idaho, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, and South Carolina — lament that the retail giant is selling anti-Christian products, which must surely be illegal somehow. It certainly ought to be, the Constitution notwithstanding.

Other media outlets focused on the anti-LGBTQ message and the general weirdness of the letter, which essentially amounts to these seven Republican officials trying to intimidate the company into no longer selling “Pride” apparel with vague suggestions that this may violate state child protection laws.

However, what has gotten lost in the ensuing outrage is that these courageous attorneys general are literally doing the Lord’s work.

To some, it looks as though they are using their government position to discriminate against constitutionally protected groups. But that’s heathen talk.

In reality, they are highlighting that Target stores are apparently a fertile hunting ground for Mephistopheles.

“Target … sold products with anti-Christian designs, such as pentagrams, horned skulls, and other Satanic products,” the GOP officials wrote. “One such design included the phrase ‘Satan Respects Pronouns’ with a horned ram representing Baphomet — a half-human, half-animal, hermaphrodite worshiped by the occult.”

Now, mind you, fact checkers have pointed out that Target never actually sold this shirt, but you can’t sweat the small stuff when you are fighting a holy war against the Prince of Darkness.

So, sure, the attorneys general got a lot of things wrong in their letter, but, in this case, the devil isn’t in the details, it’s in T-shirts sold (or not sold) at Target.

Heaven knows how many souls have already been lost to these satanic products.

However, fear not.

Indiana’s Todd Rokita, Arkansas’s Tim Griffin, Idaho’s Raul Labrador, Kentucky’s Daniel Cameron, Mississippi’s Lynn Fitch, Missouri’s Andrew Bailey, and South Carolina’s Alan Wilson are on the case.

And, with God’s help, they won’t quit until hell freezes over.

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