If you need $300,000 for legal fees or other expenses, just follow the “Donald Trump Guide to Making Money Off a Product That Is Otherwise Free.”
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While Donald Trump barely discussed the economy during Thursday’s press conference on the economy (the menace that wind turbines pose to birds is real, after all), he didn’t have to. That’s because the former president isn’t all talk, he is a man of action, and by all accounts his own account, hugely successful.
Therefore, Americans shouldn’t look to what Trump says but rather what he does. Fortunately, his financial disclosure forms, which were made public on the same day, allow them to do just that.
If you are not a fan of the former president, you may ask yourself why he should serve as a model that will help you prosper. Well, that’s simple. With just a tiny bit of assistance from his dad (to the tune of $500 million in today’s dollars), and some clever tax avoidance schemes available to the rich, this self-made businessman pulled himself up by his bootstraps. And then, when he somehow managed to run even some casinos into the ground, he did it again (because he cleverly lost the money of his investors and not his own).
If that isn’t the American Dream, then what is?
In any case, the disclosure forms offer a guide to how regular Americans can emulate Trump’s success in a few simple steps.
Step 1: Find yourself a bunch of gullible idiots. If that sounds difficult, don’t worry. The former president has proven that there are millions of them in the US.
Step 2: Find a product that you can “purchase” for literally $0 on Amazon (or just take from your nightstand if you have ever slept in a hotel). In Trump’s case, this is the Bible, but it could also be water, or, if you are feeling adventurous, you can start a fake “university.”
Step 3: Jack up the price of this product to $59.99 (or $1,000 for a limited edition signed version).
Step 4: Make a promotional video in which you tell your marks supporters that it is very important to you that a lot of people purchase this product. Keep in mind that this video can be patently ridiculous. For example, contrary to all evidence, you can claim that this product is your favorite. Also, if you happen to run for a public office, you can use this video as a campaign tool.
Step 5: Make $300,000.
It’s that simple!
So, go out there, Americans, and find a scam that lets you be as successful as Donald Trump.
