Tommy Tuberville, Football
Sen. Tommy Tuberville (R-AL) tossing a football. Photo credit: United States Senate Photographic Studio / Wikimedia

The entire country would be better off if Tommy Tuberville were on the sidelines of some middling Division 1 football team right now rather than serving in the Senate.

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Since the founding of the United States, more than 2,000 individuals have served in the Senate, and it is quite possible that Tommy Tuberville (R-AL) is the dumbest and least qualified of them all.

He is so stupid that, compared to him, the current version of Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) is a mental giant. It is also quite possible that, when Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) is staring off into space, he might just be thinking: “How did I get stuck with this moron?”

Tuberville’s sole claim to fame is that he was a mediocre college football coach. Actually, that’s not quite fair. He also worked for ESPN as a college football analyst for a year.

And, to be honest, the entire country would be better off if he were still on the sidelines of some middling Division 1 football team right now, looking forward to a season full of promise that will end in a 6-6 record and an appearance in the Duke’s Mayo Bowl on December 27.

Instead, because of Senate rules written by people who couldn’t fathom that a complete imbecile like Tuberville could one day occupy a seat in the “world’s greatest deliberative body,” a description that now seems like a sad joke, he gets to hold the entire Pentagon hostage because he doesn’t like the idea that women serving on bases in regressive states like Alabama could be able to get abortions.

Even worse, because Fox News will gladly give a platform to any ignoramus as long as he is a Republican, we all have to suffer through Tuberville pontificating about why he is pursuing a strategy that, according to Navy Secretary Carlos Del Toro, amounts to “aiding and abetting communists.”

Yesterday, the senator offered an entirely new explanation for his crusade against the military. As it turns out, it is important for him to deny senior officers promotions because too many sailors read poems.

Presumably, he is referring to something servicemembers do in their own time, which makes this comment even more baffling because that’s really none of his business.

Obviously, coming from a football culture (which we will get to in a moment), maybe Tuberville would prefer that they do alpha male-type things like shotgunning beers or sexually harassing their female colleagues.

Now, let’s turn to that previous career of his to figure out which part of it qualifies him to have any opinion about military readiness.


Well, that might be a bit hasty.

After all, since we haven’t gone through every one of the 258 games he coached in his career, it is possible that his teams might have played Army, Navy, or the Air Force Academy at some point.

However, it is pretty clear that Tuberville has no relevant experience that makes him suited for any of the tasks a senator has to fulfill (apart possibly from shaking hands and raising money).

And he wouldn’t have it any other way, because being a so-so football coach was the crowning achievement of his life.

Now, you might think that someone who has amassed a career record of 159 wins and 99 losses as a head coach wouldn’t be overly proud of that fact. After all, that’s an accomplishment on par with being able to finish most medium-level Sudoku puzzles or locating Italy on a map.

But not Tuberville.

Granted, getting elected as a Republican in Alabama isn’t much of an achievement either, but it’s certainly better than resigning as the football coach of Auburn University after an embarrassing 5-7 season, only to then see his successor turn the program around and take it to a national championship a mere two years later.

Nevertheless, he seems to be much more wistful for the time in which he was a run-of-the-mill coach than he is excited about serving in Congress.

Instead of “Senator Tuberville” (which, quite frankly, is a bit embarrassing to think about), he still just wants to be “Coach Tuberville.”

Don’t take our word for it. He will tell you… proudly.

Tuberville’s official Senate portrait (see above) has him throwing a football up in the air. You can find it in the “About Coach” section of his official Senate page. Most of his bio is dedicated to his exploits on the sidelines of college football fields.

And, obviously, the name that shows up when he tweets from his official Senate account is Coach Tommy Tuberville.

All of this makes it pretty clear that he doesn’t even want to be in the Senate… and he shouldn’t be. He is a total halfwit who can barely string two sentences together. That might be good enough for a football coach, but it’s an embarrassment in Congress.

Sadly, there is one problem. If your teams don’t perform on the gridiron, you eventually get fired. But if you are a complete dunce serving as the senior senator from Alabama, you can stick around as long as you want.


  • Klaus Marre

    Klaus Marre is a senior editor for Politics and director of the Mentor Apprentice Program at WhoWhatWhy. Follow him on Twitter @KlausMarre.

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