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The left-wing media, left-wing politicians, and the left-wing Republican district attorney from Nassau County are out to get me for some slight embellishments of my life story and minor financial discrepancies in my campaign finance filings. That is why I cherish the opportunity to unequivocally and honestly set the record straight.
It makes sense that this liberal cabal is after me. As a gay and straight, half-Black, Jew-ish, Latino Roman Catholic, I am everything they fear.
Well, bring it on!
To tell the truth, I have been through much worse, and I won’t quit now or cower in front of them. I didn’t give up when I commanded the Apollo 13 mission, when I led SEAL Team Six to get Osama bin Laden, and when my fellow Avengers and I took that glove from Thanos.
First of all, let’s talk about the hypocrisy of the woke left. On the one hand, they want male athletes to identify as female, but when I identify as every race, all of a sudden it’s a problem?
My case also shows that these Godless liberals just do not understand the Judeo-Christian foundation on which this nation was built.
Do you want to know who was also Jew-ish but then became the bedrock of the Roman Catholic church? Jesus, that’s who.
Now, I know a lot of you might be saying: “George, should these libtards even be allowed to smear you like this?”
And unto them I say, “Of course they should. My fellow soldiers and I fought and bled on the beaches of Normandy for their right to free speech.”
Honestly, I just wish they weren’t so deceitful about my record.
But it’s moments like these that reveal the true character of a man. Like I said during halftime of Super Bowl LI, when my New England Patriots were down 21-3 to the Atlanta Falcons: “Guys, I got this.”
As you know, I then led the Patriots to victory, just like I did during the Battles of Lexington and Concord.
So don’t feel bad for me. I am used to adversity. As you know from my own accounts, my mother died on 9/11 and then again 15 years later.
The people of New York’s 3rd Congressional District elected a fighter, and that’s what I am going to be.
I’m not gonna lie: of course, the dishonesty of my critics hurts. It’s moments like this when I wish my dear friend Honest Abe Lincoln were here to come to my defense. I don’t regret anything I wrote on my campaign website that may not be 100 percent accurate, but I do regret that I wasn’t one second quicker to take the bullet meant for my pal on that fateful evening in Ford’s Theater.
Still, I’ll be fine. I am used to beating the odds. Most recently, I did it a couple of months ago when I won the record-breaking Powerball jackpot.
But my critics don’t want to talk about that. They just want to know where I “mysteriously” got the money to help fund my campaign.
Well, it doesn’t take a Nobel Prize in economics, which I was awarded twice, to figure out that somebody who may or may not have worked or consulted for Goldman Sachs and/or Citigroup has the money to spend on a race for Congress.
They are all just jealous of my many accomplishments.
Ultimately, what it comes down to reminds me of the iconic line from my Academy Award-nominated performance as Colonel Jessup in the major motion picture A Few Good Men:
You can’t handle the truth!
Editor’s note: As of now, this is a satirical work of fiction. However, we cannot guarantee that Congressman-elect Santos won’t make these and other claims in the coming days.