Donald Trump, golf
Donald Trump golfing in 2006. Photo Credit: Steve Jurvetson / Flick (CC BY 2.0)

Donald Trump has won a real or imaginary golf title with a real or imaginary score. You be the judge.

Listen To This Story
Voiced by Amazon Polly

If he loses yet another election and retires from politics, Donald Trump should consider joining the PGA Tour (especially now that his pals the Saudis are funding it). As it turns out, he is “just a good golfer/athlete,” according to… himself. 

On Saturday, the former president proudly announced that he won the senior club championship at Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, NJ, by shooting a round of 67. 

“Now, some people will think that sounds low, but there is no hanky/lanky. Many people watch, plus I am surrounded by Secret Service Agents. Not much you can do even if you wanted to, and I don’t,” the former president wrote on his Truth Social website. “For some reason, I am just a good golfer/athlete – I have won many Club Championships, and it is always a great honor.”

Trump joins other world leaders who have achieved amazing athletic feats, such as the late Kim Jong Il, who once shot a round of 38-under-par. In fact, it was the first time he ever played golf. Trump is lucky that the North Korean has died already, or he would get some serious competition on the tour. 

Of course, Russian President Vladimir Putin is a formidable athlete as well. Just look at him decimate defenses in this hockey game:

Now you might be wondering what compelled Trump to put out a weird statement like this about his own golf prowess at this point in time.

First of all, putting out weird statements is kinda his thing. 

More importantly, however, as a world-class narcissist, Trump couldn’t stand idly by as people ridiculed him for checking into the Fulton County Jail at 6’3” and 215 lbs. Once that tidbit was known, the former president was mocked mercilessly for adding an inch to his physique while shaving off about 40-50 pounds. 

Obviously, he couldn’t let that stand because, if Trump hates something more than telling the truth about anything, it’s people making fun of him. 

And therefore, he wasted no time proving to the world that he is, in fact, an amazing athlete (which he would be if lying were an Olympic event). 

As Trump himself acknowledged, a score of 67 is really good… if it is played on a real golf course. It isn’t really clear whether that happened in this case because a quick internet search finds no reference to the Senior Club Championship being held at Bedminster this weekend. 

However, it must be noted that the former president has achieved outstanding imaginary golf feats in the past. For example, he won another championship earlier this year even though he was 600 miles away from the tournament on its first day. 

Knowing that there would be skeptics, Trump made sure to note that there was no hanky/lanky, which there probably wasn’t because that isn’t a thing. 

Assuming that he meant hanky-panky, the former president pointed out that lots of people watch him play, including Secret Service agents. Obviously, those agents have “secret” in their name, and their job description doesn’t include preventing their protectees from cheating at golf, so that’s not worth a whole lot. 

Trump also doesn’t do himself any favors by bringing up cheating, which is really frowned upon by golfers who are not malignant narcissists.

“Not much you can do even if you wanted to, and I don’t,” is the former president’s way of saying that he wants to cheat and did. 

If you want to find out some of the ways in which he does, you should check out the excellent book “Commander in Cheat: How Golf Explains Trump.” The title is pretty self-explanatory of what you will find in this tome. Also, if you are interested in cheating at golf, you can get some valuable tips from Trump here.

In any case, congrats to the former president for this outstanding achievement. Well played, sir!


  • Klaus Marre

    Klaus Marre is a writer, editor, former congressional reporter, and director of the WhoWhatWhy Mentor Apprentice Program. Follow him on Twitter @KlausMarre.

    View all posts

Comments are closed.