WARNING — THIS MAY CAUSE LAUGHTER

Early in October, Santa was sitting on the back porch of his home in the North Pole, fanning himself, wondering what to make for the adults on his list. (The children’s toys were already made.) People were getting so much harder to please these days, and everyone’s tired of the same old same old. Then he got a bright idea. An avid reader of WhoWhatWhy, he realized he should come to us for help. So we prepared a list for him, and have decided to share it with you. As you can see, these are the kind of items no one can do without.  

Tucker Carlson

  • Tucker Carlson Doggie Chew Toy. 
  • Joe Manchin Snow Globe. Shake it up and watch soot settle on the small town inside.
  • Laura Ingraham Voice Car Alarm. Thieves quickly repelled, neighbors guaranteed to call 911 for relief.
  • Kamala Harris Pencil Sharpener. Stick pencil in mouth, remove quickly. Watch your fingers!
  • Bullshit-meter. Precision instrument. Determines BS level in atmosphere. Reacts with loud toilet-flushing sounds. Portable. Ideal for rallies. 

Donald Trump

  • Trump Tiny Hands Back Scratcher. Good for hard-to-reach areas. (Some groping known to occur with frequent use.)
  • Trump Piggy Bank. Slip coin in — never see it again.
  • Rachel Maddow Nutcracker. Instructions: Open mouth, insert nut, slam shut, open mouth, remove nut.
  • Mitch McConnell Action Figure.

Blue bird, Christmas

  • Kyrsten Sinema Ear Muffs. Guaranteed to keep wearer deaf to reason.
  • Masks that keep out viruses — keep in opinions.
  • Deluxe Conspiracist’s Headgear — face mask, face shield, aluminum foil head-covering, topped with small carpenter’s level and propeller.
  • Gorilla Glue Chapstick. Shuts anybody up indefinitely.
  • Valium Room Spray.

Cabin, Snow Globe, Christmas

  • The Tesla Toilet. Designed to send your waste into outer space. (With minor adjustment, you can send it to your opponent’s front yard, but this is illegal.) Or save up for this future product, as explained by Ronny Chieng and Bill Gates.

Polar Bear

  • Macbeth’s Special Soap. Washes away guilt. But if that doesn’t work, consider the next item…
  • Do It Yourself Trepanation Kit. (Trepanation, an ancient practice, involves drilling a hole in the head to relieve pressure, and is done in modern times. But it was also used to release evil spirits and other bad things.)

Gingerbread Cookie

Book Section 

  • Dictionary: Right Wing-Left Wing / Left Wing-Right Wing 
  • Dictionary for Elderly to Understand Gen Z 
  • Handbook: How to Sue Anybody
  • Were you caught? You need the Buyer’s Guide to Average Prices of Judges, DA’s, Police, Witnesses. Why pay more?

Santa


The icons above were sourced from Kevin Sanderson / Pixabay.

Author

  • Milicent Cranor is a senior editor at WhoWhatWhy. She has worked as a creative editor at E.P. Dutton; comedy ghostwriter; co-author of numerous peer-reviewed articles for medical journals; editor of consequential legal and scientific documents; and is a former member of the American Mensa Society.

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Noelle Dunphy

I love this part! “Were you caught? You need the Buyer’s Guide to Average Prices of Judges, DA’s, Police, Witnesses. Why pay more?”