Forget what the pundits say—we’re the place for accurate prognostications on what the new year (and further) holds in store for us.
Forget the pundits: they almost always get it wrong. But us….us you just gotta trust.
After careful thought and study, and consultation with the very best soothsayers, we’ve come up with the facts about what is in store for us…if not the next year, then sometime down the road.
-Opposite-sex couple tries to marry in California, but no judge will perform ceremony.
-Wall Street launches new advertising initiative: “We’re greedy—get used to it.” Public responds favorably.
-Former President Barack Obama’s rollout of his new clothing line, ObamaWear, marred by technical difficulties. Apologizes.
-Acting President Edward Snowden pardons George H.W. Bush and George W Bush—for anything and everything.
-Presidential Contest: Clinton grandchild vs. Bush grandchild. Kennedy great-grandchild gets into race, then withdraws.
-After the success of his “Killing Lincoln”, “Killing Kennedy”, and “Killing Jesus” books, Bill O’Reilly writes his memoir, “Making a Killing.”
-School vending machines feature Red Bull and mini assault rifles.
-Duck Dynasty quacks up over getting the GOP Nomination.
-Chris Christie enrolls in Bible Study…and Weight Watchers.
-NSA revealed to be tapping people’s unexpressed, private thoughts. Claim it read congressional minds—and Congress “approved.”
-It’s revealed that, to get out of Russian jail, Pussy Riot agreed to rebrand as “Feline Disagreement.”
-Next Wall Street scam: New investment vehicles known as “de-mortgagized T-bill debenture double-flips”; leading economic figures label them “straightforward and good for the economy.”
-Scientists discover humanity has at least 10 additional years before being eradicated by climate change—huge increase in timeshare sales.
-Bill Clinton renounces veganism, says “I’ve wasted years of my life…now get me some barbeque!”
-FBI forced to admit it faked 80 percent of its successes. Director apologizes to Congress, promises “it won’t happen again.”
-Ten very rich people donate 90 percent of their assets—and eradicate all poverty. “After all,” says the spokesman, “you can’t take it with you….we’ve looked into that.”
-Tea Party labeled “not militant enough.” Replaced by “Super Green Tea Supplement Party”
-Congressional Oversight Committee Chair, stunned, admits to long-term confusion as to purpose: “I thought the whole meaning of ‘oversight’ was to miss something!”
-US announces it is running out of….countries to invade.