NRA Lobbies Congress to Lift Ban on Weaponized Anthrax

April Fools, Wayne LaPierre
NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre Photo credit: Adapted by WhoWhatWhy from Gage Skidmore / Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)
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The National Rifle Association (NRA) has launched a $1.8 million lobbying campaign to get Congress to repeal the Weaponized Anthrax Prohibition Act of 1972 (WAPA).

“The Second Amendment of the Constitution clearly states that ‘the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed,’ so it is time that our government remove the shameful prohibition of weaponized anthrax,” said NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre.

LaPierre added that weaponized anthrax clearly falls under the definition of “arms.”

“I mean, come on, it even has the word ‘weapon’ in its name,” he said in a brief interview. “I can guarantee you that our Founding Fathers would have wanted all Americans to have access to this highly dangerous and lethal bacteria.”

While most people know the NRA for its strong defense of the right of Americans to own firearms – from simple pistols to high-powered automatic assault rifles – the group has recently stepped up efforts to allow Americans to own every type of weapon.

Ted Nugent, the musician and outspoken NRA board member, said the call to lift the ban on weaponized anthrax is the logical consequence of the group’s policy to oppose any restrictions to the Second Amendment.

April Fools, Ted Nugent

Ted Nugent Photo credit: Adapted by WhoWhatWhy from Gage Skidmore / Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

“Who has given the US government the right to tell honest Americans that they cannot own assault rifles, weaponized anthrax, rocket propelled grenades or nuclear-tipped intercontinental ballistic missiles? Certainly not the Constitution or the Founding Fathers,” said Nugent when he was reached by phone. “Personally, I’d rather have my neighbor’s finger on the trigger than that of Barack Hussein Obama.”

In addition to the lobbying effort to repeal WAPA, the NRA also wants teachers to have easy access to weaponized anthrax.

“God forbid, but imagine a student showing up in school with anthrax. The only way to stop that child is with a dose of weaponized anthrax in the possession of the teacher,” LaPierre argued.

He proposed that all classrooms have a small stash of the deadly bacteria. If necessary, teachers could use blowguns to fire the powder at students. This would keep collateral deaths at a minimum, LaPierre argued.

Although they were initially skeptical of the plan to repeal WAPA, congressional Republicans said they are coming around to the idea.

“Technically, the possession of weaponized anthrax is covered under the Second Amendment,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan. He added that he believes that, just like with assault rifles, most Americans would use weaponized anthrax, RPGs or nuclear-tipped intercontinental ballistic missiles for hunting.

“When you want to kill a lot of deer quickly, an assault rifle alone won’t do the trick. Sometimes it takes something a little bigger,” he said. “I’m from Wisconsin and I know these things.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell echoed Ryan’s sentiments and pointed to another argument for why weaponized anthrax should be legal.

“If we criminalize the possession of weaponized anthrax, only criminals will have weaponized anthrax,” the Kentucky Republican said in a Senate speech.

However, not all Republicans are on board with the plan.

“That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard,” said moderate Sen. Susan Collins from Maine. “Seriously, who even comes up with stuff like that? Why would we allow anybody to have weaponized anthrax or nuclear weapons? Why would we give people an instrument to kill lots of other people? That doesn’t make any sense.”

Asked to comment on her statement, LaPierre said the NRA would find and fund a primary candidate to run against Collins.

Related front page panorama photo credit: Adapted by WhoWhatWhy from NRA Sign (Quinn Dombrowski / Flickr – CC BY-SA 2.0)
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15 responses to “NRA Lobbies Congress to Lift Ban on Weaponized Anthrax”

  1. Kevin says:

    Check out Twitter backlash re the Boston Globe fake edition:”the front page we hope we never have to print”(Donald Trump becoming president).

    That’s why I said WhoWhatWhy needs to steer clear of this nonsense.

  2. Rusty Nail says:

    Brilliantly written with the right blend of truth and deception and a spot-on reading of our unfortunate political reality. My jaw steadily dropped as I read and then I got to the Paul Ryan comment that most Americans would use these devastating weapons for hunting. “When you want to kill a lot of deer quickly…” I shot back up to the photo of LaPierre and he was holding two vials. Surely not… A+

  3. Bcbx says:

    This is just dumb liberal stupidity. This shows how stupid the authors are. The NRA is for rights with responsibility.

  4. Earl Krone says:

    April Fool!

  5. allanwood says:

    It works because it’s very close to reality.

  6. that guy says:

    April Fools

  7. ORAXX says:

    I looked at the date, but laughed nervously anyway, because no degree of idiocy is beyond the grasp of the NRA.

    • Kevin says:

      Without the 2nd amendment the rest are meaningless. Ask the North Korean people if they’re happy to be disarmed.

    • slack four says:

      Ask the 30,000 people who die every year from guns in America if they’re happy to be dead.

    • slack four says:

      Do you really think the US is even comparable to an oppressive totalitarian government like North Korea? I suppose NASA faked the moon landing and aliens (rather than human ingenuity) built the pyramids?

    • Kevin says:

      First off, the US is getting pretty totalitarian in its own right. Do you know that POTUS claims the right to assassinate or indefinitely detain people (including US citizens) without due process as per the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA). It was signed into law on New Years Eve in 2012 (“nothing shady there”). Are you aware of the abuse of civil asset forfeiture laws in the US? Have you seen calls for arresting journalists? How about calls for arresting “climate deniers”? How about the Iraq war that was started under false pretenses? Are you aware that US citizens are the most spied upon people in the history of the world (way worse than Germans were under the Stasi)?

      Need I go on?

      Keep calling everything “conspiracy theory” while your freedoms dissipate.

  8. Kevin says:

    Is WhoWhatWhy planning to cover sports and weather next!?

  9. Kevin says:

    Satire on WhoWhatWhy? Seriously?