Listen To This Story

On Thursday, Donald Trump addressed the Economic Club of New York to tout some made-up accomplishments and offer some policies that will never get enacted. Most importantly, however, he fooled the national media once again into covering him as though he were not a complete moron. 

Really, the news should have been, “Donald Trump Is an Idiot Who Clearly Has No Idea What He Is Talking About.”

However, because that is not something you can write if you are employed by a major news outlet, reporters were forced to dutifully sift through Trump’s word salad and pick tiny sentence fragments out of this “speech” to somehow make sense of what came out of his mouth. 

Fine, we’ll play that game… on our terms. 

Below is what it would look like if our story followed Trump’s style of spouting meandering nonsense to hide the facts that we didn’t actually listen to the speech and share his level of mastery of the English language.

The Best Words on Trump’s Economic Plan

On Thursday, I watched Donald Trump’s speech before the Economic Club of New York. I watched it so good like you wouldn’t believe. Somebody approached me afterwards and said “Sir, I have never seen anybody watch a speech like you.” It’s a beautiful thing.

The former president and isn’t that true? He talked about many things and money. So much money. Billions and trillions. And China. China. Isn’t it weird that it’s also the name of porcelain? Trump will stop that when he is president. He really will.

The speech was light on policy but what a nice room with so many people applauding in New York. The Mets are having quite a season. Many games over .500 and the Yankees are really something. Aaron Judge. Have you heard of him? The best home runs.

Trump spoke into a microphone and what would happen if that fell into water? I asked our science editor and he said that is the best question he ever heard. Everybody would be electrocuted. 

Using words, the former president laid out his plans for child care and aren’t children beautiful? So many children if you think about it. And care. 

While there is no coherent policy, it was really something to see. The former president talked for two minutes and said so many things. Ivanka and Marco Rubio. Tariffs. So much growth everywhere. Growth is growth, it really is. 

In the end, everybody applauded, so Trump must have made sense. I know this of course, because of how awesomely I watched the speech and know everything about it. 

Note: For some reason, my editor just asked me to rewrite this. He is just NASTY and an enemy of the people who want’s to do a WITCH HUNT, for the greatest reporter, ME. Everybody is saying it.

*In his Navigating the Insanity columns, Klaus Marre provides the kind of hard-hitting, thought-provoking, and often funny analysis you won’t find anywhere else.  

Comments are closed.