Whether the goal is to rough up liberals, hunt down brown people, or help Donald Trump obscure his relationship with pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, Republican governors are glad to dispatch troops to help the president occupy the nation's capital.
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A trio of red state governors on Saturday pledged to support Donald Trump’s effort to distract the nation from the Epstein files by assisting his military occupation of Washington, DC.
In total, West Virginia, South Carolina, and Ohio will contribute up to 750 troops to the cause.
“There is obviously some pretty bad stuff about President Trump in those files, and releasing them would seriously undermine our efforts to take over this country by any means necessary,” said Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine in announcing that he will dispatch 150 National Guard troops to the District of Columbia.
“I hope that our brave men and women in uniform will rough up some liberals so that they forget about this whole Epstein thing,” DeWine added. “Now excuse me, I’ve got a congressional map to gerrymander, because the way things are going with the economy, there is no way we can win the midterms without rigging them.”
Trump claims that the federal occupation of the nation’s capital is about reducing violent crime there, which is an assertion that is contradicted by statistics showing that the rate of those offenses is plummeting.
To be fair, in recent days, there has been a surge of violence in DC that is committed by armed and masked thugs who swarm out of unmarked cars to attack the city’s residents.
On 14th & R this morning in DC, officers with vests that said only police detained a man who seemed to have been riding a moped, taking him down as passerby screamed.
Officers refused to say what agency they’re with. Their unmarked cars had Maryland plates. @washingtonpost pic.twitter.com/EoLfInxl3o
— Dan Rosenzweig-Ziff (@DanRosZiff) August 16, 2025
Of course, it is pretty clear that the president’s real motivation for ordering hundreds of National Guard troops and federal law enforcement officers to patrol DC is to harass the people of a city that overwhelmingly voted for Kamala Harris last November.
This, Trump hopes, will get Washington-based reporters to focus on something other than his strange behavior when it comes to anything related to his old buddy Jeffrey Epstein.
So far, the plan is working.
To further escalate things, some of the soldiers patrolling DC will be armed going forward.
West Virginia Gov. Patrick Morrisey, who said he will send 300-400 troops, explained that this is a sensible step that could lead to even bigger headlines.
“Think about it,” he stated. “If one of our guys or gals shoots somebody in DC, we won’t be talking about anything else for days and weeks… certainly not about what our president meant when he said Epstein likes his women on the younger side, or what he knew about the child sex trafficking operation of his pal. The fact that our troops will get to hassle some of those DC socialists and round up brown people in the process is just a bonus.”
While helping the president distract from the “Epstein hoax,” which is what Trump calls the sexual abuse of hundreds of girls and young women and the resulting coverup, is also a priority for South Carolina Gov. Henry McMaster, occupying the nation’s capital has a deeper meaning in his state.
“The South has been waiting to send an invading force into Washington, DC, for a very long time,” he said. “We owe President Trump a debt of gratitude for making it happen after all these years, and we are just happy to be able to do our part in helping obscure his relationship with a notorious pedophile.”
For legal reasons, we have to identify stories like the above as satire even if it’s obvious. In this case, however, we are hereby identifying it as satire because it is not otherwise clear at all.
In his Navigating the Insanity columns, Klaus Marre provides the kind of hard-hitting, thought-provoking, and often humorous analysis you won’t find anywhere else.
