Listen To This Story
From their own mouths we hear what Tucker Carlson, Don Lemon, Boris Johnson and others are up to now.
Hello, I’m Tucker Carlson and welcome to the Home Shopping Network. Have you ever wondered why you can’t get a normal M&M or straight Tootsie roll anymore? Why has all the candy suddenly turned gay or trans? It’s weird, isn’t it? And yet the government would have you believe that candy is just candy. Well here at the Home Shopping Network all the candy we sell has traditional American values and doesn’t believe in the climate hoax or Critical Race Theory. Our candy is all-American, for Americans, sold by Americans, and made in China. In a minute I’ll be talking to the MyPillow guy about how a lot of the candy on sale in America right now has been involved in a Venezuelan conspiracy to subvert electronic voting machines, but first we’ll pause for this important message — about how you can buy our special ice cream that won’t turn your kids into weird furries.
Hi, I’m Don Lemon and on the Lemonpod this week we’re going to be talking about how most women, like Nikki Haley, are way past their prime when they pass 39. But we’ll let you know how women in their 40s can try to preserve themselves, in both body and home, with our beautiful Lemon products: Lemon eye liner, Lemon face scrub, and Lemon Floor Wax.
Hello, my fellow Americans, this is your favorite president, the best host of The Apprentice, and the finest seller of NFTs the crypto world has ever seen. I’m letting you get in on a truly bigly deal by letting you buy my new beautiful coffee table book Trump’s Burgers. This amazing book contains pictures of some of my favorite burgers, taken by my personal photographer, with a text written by my — I’m going to get in trouble here by saying she’s a beautiful girl with great cans, you can’t say that now because of political correctness and this woke madness, but she’s truly a 10. I can’t remember her name, but she’s one of my beautiful assistants with a great ass. Anyway, this amazing book can be yours for just $99, or 500 bucks personally signed by autopen. Or you can buy one of these new, exclusive NFTS showing yours truly as SuperBurger, Ronald McDon, or the Documents HamBurglar. And if you act now, I’ll include this little packet of ketchup for free.
Hi, I’m George Santos and you probably know me from my time with the Golden State Warriors when we won the NBA Championship in 2022. Before that I received the Nobel Prize for my work rescuing dogs from war zones around the world, and then I served with distinction in Congress, helping Speaker McCarthy bring the budget under control by causing a worldwide economic catastrophe. Have you ever tried to escape creditors or evade criminal action in a South American country? If so, you should sign up for one of my lectures, Re-Invent Yourself for a New Series of Yous. I’ll show you how you can change your name, rewrite your CV, or get elected to a marginal seat in the United States Congress. It’s fun! It’s healthy! And it could help you win an Emmy Award for Best Musical, as I did.
Hi, Speaker McCarthy here. Since my stepping down from the most successful short speakership in history, I’ve been traveling around the country telling people whatever they want to hear. You can hire me to speak to your group for whatever fee you’re comfortable paying, as long as you call me Speaker and make sure I get a nice statue for the Capitol rotunda. Just provide me with a speech and I’ll read it, telling you how you’re right about everything, and I’ll stand corrected on whatever I’ve said in the past. I’m absolutely firm about this — unless you don’t want me to be, in case I’ll be just as wobbly as I’ve always been.
Hello, friends. You might not recognize me, but my name is Liz Truss and I was actually the prime minister of Great Britain for 49 days before the establishment clamped down on my brilliant ideas and mini budget, which tanked the economy when I instituted £45 billion in unfunded tax cuts. People said that my premiership had been outlasted by a head of lettuce, but I’m here to set the record straight: Not all lettuce lasts more than 49 days. But as the newly appointed president of the National Salad Board, I can affirm that certain vegetables do have longer lifespans than others, and lettuce is up there with the best of them. If you keep a healthy head of lettuce in a fridge, it has a good chance of surviving a short, disastrous government, and it’s useful when food prices exceed the rate of inflation, which is quite high to begin with. So when you’re living on lettuce sandwiches for the foreseeable future, think of me!
Hello, Yanksters, Boris here, the tubby, tousled-haired, shirt-tail-hanging-out slovenly PM from across the pond. I’m the one who Got Brexit Done by tipping the scales in the close referendum, now costing the UK £100 billion in lost revenue every year. But at least we got our blue passports back! We’ve taken back control! And now you can take back control, too, with the new Bojo Kick-It-Down-the-Road app! Just put in all your appointments and to-do lists on the Bojo calendar, and it automatically reschedules them for some other time. Not sure about a certain decision? Just “Bojo” it! Don’t want to meet with your ethics adviser or pay one of your many ex-wives her court-mandated alimony? Bojo it! Two years past your Shakespeare book deadline? Bojo it! Just click on the button here and one of my sales reps will take your order. Unless he’s Bojo’d it, in which case you may have to try again later.
I’m Clarence Thomas, and as the longest-serving justice currently on the Supreme Court I know what can move a judge. It can be a Gulfstream G550 or a Dassault Falcon 8X, or in fact any comfortable luxury jet as long as it has a range of over 6,000 miles and can get you to a private resort in Indonesia without refueling. Now you can attend one of my exclusive seminars in which I discuss luxury living as well as cases currently before the court, and you can put in your two cents’ worth — or rather your $100,000’ worth, so we can proceed and make this country great again. Again.
I’m Ron DeSantis and Florida is where woke goes to die! You can go to Florida and die too in one of our special government-free zones*, in which an absence of regulations means you can drown from rising sea levels in cities without climate-change-hoax planning, get crushed in an apartment building collapse due to a lack of inspections, or die in a botched, illegal abortion (which would serve you right anyway). It’s all detailed in my new book, How to DeSanitize the World. Available now (except to anyone with a weird pronoun).
*Doesn’t include education, library book access, abortion, state medical information, or anything to do with the Walt Disney Company.
J.B. Miller is an American writer living in England, and is the author of My Life in Action Painting and The Satanic Nurses and Other Literary Parodies.