Fun Last-Minute Gift Ideas from Dallas’s Sixth Floor Museum

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The other day, we received an email from Dallas’s Sixth Floor Museum at Dealey Plaza, reminding us about holiday gifts available from their shop. These include a DVD called “Films from the Sixth Floor” and a “triple pearl necklace” from the “Jackie Collection.”  According to the mission statement on its website:

The Sixth Floor Museum at Dealey Plaza chronicles the assassination and legacy of President John F. Kennedy; interprets the Dealey Plaza National Historic Landmark District and the John F. Kennedy Memorial Plaza; and presents contemporary culture within the context of presidential history.

Now, we enjoy a sanitized version of history as much as anyone else, so we tried to imagine what other kinds of gifts the museum could offer, consistent with its mission. Here are some possibilities—sure to please one and all:

• “Oswald did it” T-shirts: available from Super Tiny to XXL, in over 100 different shades. Closeout.

• Copies of the most popular books supporting the Warren Commission findings—whether you prefer Vincent Bugliosi, Gerald Posner, or Professor Bill O’Reilly, we’ve got ‘em all!  With every purchase, we’ll toss in the booklet, “Why the 99 percent of books that say the opposite are just not worth your time—or ours.”

• “Serious Ho Ho Ho”: Framed poster of former CIA chief Allen Dulles as Santa Claus, with cuddly little corporate executives on his lap, telling him what they secretly wished for a month before Christmas, 1963.

•  “Cover-ups” Gift Box Edition: Give your loved ones our handy, semi-transparent “cover-ups”. Perfect for preventing fingerprints from ruining surfaces.

• “Lone nuts”—your favorite almonds, cashews, pecans and other nuts, packaged individually for the discriminating eater with a small appetite.

• “We’re High on Dallas High Society” – an 800-page look at the exciting lives and selfless charitable acts of Dallas’s most powerful families. With each order, we’ll toss in a list of our museum benefactors and supporters, and you can have fun matching names.

• “See No Evil, Hear No Evil” paperweights

•  “Coincidence Theory,” the board game. You’ll have hours of fun with your kids, rearranging facts so they seem downright silly.

•  Bumper stickers: “Who Killed JFK? Well, Who Killed JR?”

• Jar of Pickled Red Herrings. Domestically produced!

• Our 50th Anniversary pamphlet: “How to Throw a Big Event Without Embarrassing Yourself.” Closeout.

• Warm, fuzzy socks festooned with the image of our 41st president, George H.W. Bush, and the caption: “I Can’t Remember Where I was on 11/22/63 Either”

• DELUXE: Special visit to the “sniper’s nest.” Although we’ve had to cordon off access to the actual spot from which Lee Harvey Oswald shot President Kennedy—for National Security reasons—we’re making it available, for a limited time only. For just $500, you’ll get to spend a solid five minutes in Oswald’s shoes. Copies of Das Kapital and other communist literature will be on hand if you get bored. Note: this offer not open to forensic marksmanship examiners of any kind.

• Speed Game, complete with obstacles.  Get Lee Harvey Oswald from the sixth floor to the second floor lunch room where he was observed calmly drinking a soda just a couple of minutes after Kennedy was hit. Show off your skills.

• Magic Bullet Fun. See if you can make a bullet go through two different people, turn, and go back into one of them, then emerge almost in pristine shape. The entire family will enjoy this challenge.

Don’t wait—supplies limited!

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0 responses to “Fun Last-Minute Gift Ideas from Dallas’s Sixth Floor Museum”

  1. Tweet Afton says:

    Mwahahaha! Quality. Festive Greetings y’all

  2. Alex Hidell says:

    Darn….they must have been all sold out of the twin look-a-like Oswald dolls! They are a bunch a fun. You can even program one of the dolls to do whatever you want it to do!

  3. notalent says:

    Also available…
    The Mannlicher-Carcano toy gun for Kids! Collect all your favorite assassins’ rifles! Now enhanced with Orange markings and Phaser sound for Safety! Still guaranteed to get off 3 rounds in less than 8.4 seconds!
    ***(magic bullets sold separately)
    *****(item only available through mail-order, see our catalog)

  4. RadioPatriot says:

    Absolutely brilliant. Passing this around to all my fellow JFK assassination Oswald doubters.

    I was in Dallas in 2012 and made it a point to visit Dealey Plaza, but under no circumstances was I interested in contributing to the price of admission to tour the TSBD Museum only to be fed a load of propaganda.

    It wasn’t difficult to see where the shooters had a clear shot from behind the picket fence.

  5. Robert ANderson says:

    Who knows what “Sixth Floor Museum” means? Why
    not
    “Sniper’s Nest Museum” or “Patsy’s Place Museum”?

  6. Smedberg Anders says:

    And this is
    called a museum? America is better than that. They are doing a great job erasing
    the blackest time I US history, Congratulations Warren Commission supporter
    nuts.

    • russbaker says:

      Folks, just want you to understand this is….satire. But it does reflect some of the mindset and other limitations affecting that institution.

    • Frances_in_California says:

      I “lived” in Dallas for almost a year . . . That was all it took. This is the ablest of satire because each item is so close to how some – rich and powerful, the decent Texans are like you and me, we all go unheard – actually believe and let inform their actions (Gov Goodhair?). I also lived in Kentucky 7 years and they have a Creationist Museum!?!

  7. MareCadTITANIC says:

    THIS IS SICK & EVIL—HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. Daniel10 says:

    Great satire! I wish I had thought of this article!