Just about everybody loved us resurrecting that George Carlin routine on the American Dream (except my mother, who thought Carlin’s trademark profanity needless—love you Mom!)
By popular demand, here’s another Carlin, as performed on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno on 11/15/2004. (Click to watch)
“I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free.
A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is
anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and
downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of
downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life.
A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give
you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward
bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice
activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database
is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to
time I’m radioactive.
Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin the wave, dodgin
the bullet and pushin the envelope. I’m on-point, on-task, on-message
and off drugs. I’ve got no need for coke and speed. I’ve got no urge to
binge and purge. I’m in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top and
under-the-radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic
missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear
power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory laps.
I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active
outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in
I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal
assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me
down because I’m tireless and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on
I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but
fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance.
Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and
built-to-last! I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case pretty
maturely post-traumatic and I’ve got a love-child that sends me hate
But, I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing– a
supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver. My output is down,
but my income is up. I took a short position on the long bond and my
revenue stream has its own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I’m gender specific, capital
intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant.
I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the “F” word in my emails
and the software on my hard-drive is hardcore–no soft porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-van at a
mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bite-sized,
ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped,
factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically-
formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-wash, pre-cooked, pre-heated,
pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried,
double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and, I have an unlimited broadband
I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean! Cocked,
locked and ready-to-rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it
slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. I’ve got glide in my
stride. Drivin and movin, sailin and spinin, jiving and groovin, wailin
and winnin. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the
metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is
crunch time. I’m hangin in, there ain’t no doubt and I’m hangin tough,
over and out!”
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